Unlike money, money adages do “grow on trees.” They are abundant and your job is to select
those that work for you. If you are
comfortable and never worried about your debt, then one money adage might be
“seek as much credit as possible.” If
you want to be known as being generous then one adage might be “give away what
I don’t use.” Creating money adages only
requires that you determine what pleases you and what makes you comfortable.
With couples, money adages need to be discussed and
negotiated. Just like blurting out what
you might like sexually, saying what you want with money can be trying and
difficult. There are two forces at work
that inhibit discussion and negotiation.
First, is the fear of being rejected for your (cherished)
point-of-view. Secondly, and this is
related to the first and more pernicious, is your desire to be seen as being
“right” about money.
It is fairly straightforward to deal with the fear of being
rejected. What lies at the bottom of
this fear is not being “heard” by your partner.
Learning to listen to your partner and to draw that person out making
sure to repeat what you heard to get the understanding absolutely clear is the
key. It does not require judgment. Rather you listen with curiosity and
demonstrate your understanding. No
guidance or helping hand is necessary.
Just listening and understanding.
How do you give up being “right” about money? This is a deeply emotional issue for most of
us and maybe more so than in sexual matters.
Growing up we were a party to literally hundreds of ways to deal with
money from close family members to other relatives, neighbors and our friends
and their families. All that time we
were determining what was “best” and therefore what was “right” about handling
money. We do not see money as an
individual thing. We believe there are
“right” ways and “wrong” ways to deal with money. After all, we’ve seen so many examples of
“failures” and a few “successes” in our lives.
Instead of being outside ourselves, money matters come from within.
To start to tap what is within us I nudge people to do two
things: give up being right and draw your inspiration from a place of
abundance. We don’t usually think of
money as being abundant, but it can be.
Yes, we work for a living to feed, clothe and house ourselves and the
people close to us, but that isn’t all there is out there. Abundance doesn’t mean free. It just suggests that there are ways to have
more money pass through us if we choose to pursue more and ways to accumulate
it if we so choose.
Abundance also implies stewardship of money so you can do
the things money allows you to accomplish.
Stewardship applies to both how you spend money to live now and how you
manage or invest it to bring passive income to you in the future.
Finally, how you view and use money changes over time so
your adages need to be flexible.
Evaluate how you are meeting your adages every three months or so and
then see if they have shifted or changed.
Make modifications, additions or subtractions to your adages as they are
discussed and negotiated. Change is
inevitable so anticipate change over time and make it part of your money life
together. At www.thecenterformmarriage we assist
you in creating money adages so you can be more at ease with money and in
agreement with your spouse.
