Where Love Resides

Sometimes after two people fall in love, they fall out of love.  I have even seen couples who were very much in love at one point become hateful toward each other.  As untrained observers we often cite these break-ups as a “poor match” or that they “grew apart” or had “little in common.”  Let me suggest that the explanation for the demise of a loving relationship may lie elsewhere.

Perhaps it is true that part of falling in love is the desire for more – more closeness, more acceptance, to get married, have more peak adventures, etc.  You may identify with this desire in these or other ways.  The question is where does the desire for MORE come from?

During childhood we want the five A’s: acceptance, affection, attention, allowing and appreciation.  If we do not get adequate amounts of these, we do not develop healthy adult relationship with ourselves and others.  As we enter relationships, our “lack” of adequate amounts of one or more of the five A’s shows up.  As David Richo points out, the adult version of these desires in a healthy person is:

1.  Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.
2.  Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.
3.  Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.
4.  Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.
5.  Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.

Richo says that love is “not so much a feeling as a way of being present.”  When deeply understood and applied, these five simple concepts—what Richo calls the five A's—form the basis of mature love. They help us to move away from judgment, fear, and blame to a position of openness, compassion, and realism about life and relationships. By giving and receiving these five A's, relationships become deeper and more meaningful, and they become a ground for personal transformation.  An appreciation for all of this can be found in David Richo’s amazing book, “How To Be An Adult In Relationships.”

So when we fall in love and are not present with the love that is right in front of us, we are elsewhere wanting MORE.  We are striving instead of seeing, controlling instead of caring, maneuvering ahead instead of being in the moment and listening to the voice within that says “I deserve MORE!”  Loving relationships go bad because our egos are working hard to achieve MORE.  And when our partner does not meet our needs we judge, resent, criticize and blame because we are not getting the something MORE we think we need.  We grow apart. We lose our commonality. We are no longer a match.  We become needy.  And often, love turns into hate.

While most of us exhibit this type of behavior at times, Richo points out that we can learn to change how we behave and turn back to our partners in life.  If we did not get adequate amounts of each of the five A’s in childhood, our self-esteem might be severely challenged as adults, especially in relationship.  We must train ourselves to work on the five A’s and get back to the present moment -- where love resides – rather than being lost in the stories about what is missing, what we think is “right” and how things need to be different.

CREATING MONEY ADAGES

Unlike money, money adages do “grow on trees.”  They are abundant and your job is to select those that work for you.  If you are comfortable and never worried about your debt, then one money adage might be “seek as much credit as possible.”  If you want to be known as being generous then one adage might be “give away what I don’t use.”  Creating money adages only requires that you determine what pleases you and what makes you comfortable.

With couples, money adages need to be discussed and negotiated.  Just like blurting out what you might like sexually, saying what you want with money can be trying and difficult.  There are two forces at work that inhibit discussion and negotiation.  First, is the fear of being rejected for your (cherished) point-of-view.  Secondly, and this is related to the first and more pernicious, is your desire to be seen as being “right” about money.

It is fairly straightforward to deal with the fear of being rejected.  What lies at the bottom of this fear is not being “heard” by your partner.  Learning to listen to your partner and to draw that person out making sure to repeat what you heard to get the understanding absolutely clear is the key.  It does not require judgment.  Rather you listen with curiosity and demonstrate your understanding.  No guidance or helping hand is necessary.  Just listening and understanding.

How do you give up being “right” about money?  This is a deeply emotional issue for most of us and maybe more so than in sexual matters.  Growing up we were a party to literally hundreds of ways to deal with money from close family members to other relatives, neighbors and our friends and their families.  All that time we were determining what was “best” and therefore what was “right” about handling money.  We do not see money as an individual thing.  We believe there are “right” ways and “wrong” ways to deal with money.  After all, we’ve seen so many examples of “failures” and a few “successes” in our lives.  Instead of being outside ourselves, money matters come from within.

To start to tap what is within us I nudge people to do two things: give up being right and draw your inspiration from a place of abundance.  We don’t usually think of money as being abundant, but it can be.  Yes, we work for a living to feed, clothe and house ourselves and the people close to us, but that isn’t all there is out there.  Abundance doesn’t mean free.  It just suggests that there are ways to have more money pass through us if we choose to pursue more and ways to accumulate it if we so choose.

Abundance also implies stewardship of money so you can do the things money allows you to accomplish.  Stewardship applies to both how you spend money to live now and how you manage or invest it to bring passive income to you in the future.

Finally, how you view and use money changes over time so your adages need to be flexible.  Evaluate how you are meeting your adages every three months or so and then see if they have shifted or changed.  Make modifications, additions or subtractions to your adages as they are discussed and negotiated.  Change is inevitable so anticipate change over time and make it part of your money life together.  At www.thecenterformmarriage we assist you in creating money adages so you can be more at ease with money and in agreement with your spouse.