There are weeds we bring to a
relationship and weeds we create once in
relationship. Both types of weeds can be tamed – like any good gardener would – by finding them, removing them carefully, figuring out what conditions led to their emergence and taking steps to reduce their impact in the future. Careful planning and attention will not keep all weeds away. They re-emerge. Having previously identified the nature of a re-emergent weed, it is easier to deal with it when it comes back. Almost all weeds in our lives are invisible (they lie in our unconscious), yet are ready to pop up at any time often in reaction to some experience or event. For us, it means making our “weeds” conscious so we recognize them when we see them.
You might notice when weeds pop up by observing the times you react strongly (pleasure or pain) inside or outwardly to something that happens. If you have a moderate reaction and then consciously decide whether the event was appropriate to you or not, then it is not a pernicious weed. It merely comes and goes and you trust you can handle it when it comes up again. However, if you get angry, defensive, defiant or euphoric, so much so that you are unwilling to let the event pass, you have probably encountered a weed or two in your makeup.
Notice that there can be a delay in your response as some of us have a slow-functioning pilot light system. This is common. Sometimes we lash out in anger to a loved-one hours, days or weeks after one or more events have lit a slow simmering flame within us. All that person did was to be in your presence when the heat was too great and the volcano erupted. Again, notice when your reactions are strong regardless of when they show up and then notice the situation or series of events that prompted the reaction. By the way, go back and apologize to your loved-one and let them know your outburst had nothing to do with them at all.
The weeds we bring to a
relationship had seeds planted years ago and there are many. They have varying power over our behavior, but they are all there all the time. Many of the weeds come from:
•
Unmourned losses from our past
• Multiple fears developed over time
• Beliefs we’
ve formed to be safe and secure
•
Expectations of ourselves (and others)
• All the “
shoulds” we think are right for us (and others)
• Assumptions about how things ought to be
• Living in the future (our desire to be somewhere else)
• Living in the past (our desire to avoid change)
• Self-hate and
outsized self-love
All of these weeds work to obscure what is actually happening as it occurs. They cause or curiosity to be submerged. They work to shut us off from all the information our senses take in. Instead they produce pain when an event reminds us of a loss, they cause anxiety when a fear is encountered, they trigger dismay when a belief is violated, they produce anger when
expectations go unmet, they make us defensive when any of our “
shoulds” are challenged, they cause us to withdraw when our assumptions are trifled with, they give us impatience when our goals and dreams appear elusive, they bring out controlling behaviors when the past cannot be maintained, and they generate acts of retaliation and blame when we mess up or when events thwart us. Weeds work to put us in reactive mode without ever noting with any clarity what actually is going on. We all do this, over and over.
Don’t react now by going to the place of making these weeds “wrong.” They are not a weakness, nor a sin, nor an enemy. They are not wrong, they just are there. If we make our acquired reactions to events wrong, we will miss what is there to learn anew. Our job is to recognize and accept weeds when they arise and to practice just being with what is there in spite of our conditioned responses. The idea is to get in touch with the weeds and not allow them take us to where they habitually go. For example, I will often ask a loved one a question about their activities or lives out of curiosity. The response I often get is meaningless because they tell me things they think I want to hear. People want to “look good” out of fear, beliefs, assumptions and the like.
Conversation where one party must “look good” at all times means they are intent upon reacting. My motives are not clear or understood and little if any real
communication takes place.
So now I may start with, “I really need to understand what is going on with you. I want to support you. In this
conversation, please don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. Just let me know what you think and feel so I can understand what you are about. If you can do this, I’d like to have a
conversation now.” This may not be the best way to engage in meaningful
conversation, but it creates great
communication often enough to satisfy my curiosity and develops greatly improved
understanding of myself and others.
