How Do You Feel Loved?

Love is the common denominator in all marriages. Is love a fragile thing? I would say so after witnessing so many angry divorces among people who once loved each other deeply. It appears love is hard to sustain in the United States since the divorce rate has been near 50% for many years. Love is also harder to come by these days. Even as the divorce rate has stayed steady, the percentage of households headed by a married couple is in decline.

The good news is there is an active Marriage Education movement designed to help couples HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE. A great deal of information on courses and training that are available can be found at http://www.smartmarriages.com/. Government funding of The Marriage Initiative supports some of these programs, even some faith-based initiatives. Yet, as I noted in the previous post, it is difficult to get couples to take advantage of all that is out there for them. In fact, individuals spend more in this country on match-making than on keeping married matches intact.

I don’t know why it is difficult for couples to choose to avail themselves of marriage support in a timely way, well before difficulties become large problems and love turns into resentment and anger. Groups and people offering courses and training for married couples spend a sizable portion of their funds on ad campaigns just to get people to come to meetings and see what is being offered. These courses do not have full enrollment.

I know that some of the couples I work with and teach have let things go too far. I find that I am often dealing with two intransigent egos rather than a couple interested in having a better relationship. As an educator and professional nudge, in any case I tend to go back to square one and ask, “How do you feel loved?” If there is one basic need in your relationship, it is to feel loved. I have found this is a hard question, so I let them know how I discovered my own answer.

It took me quite a while to realize that I feel loved in the company of someone who will stay with me while we talk, or watch a movie or play a game. By the word stay I mean they simply are not going anywhere and this fills me with love. I know I’m loved when there is this natural, easy, timelessness with my partner. I cannot tell you exactly when this recognizable love first happened during my life. I know it had to be in childhood and it was someone special to me, probably my mother. She was great at staying.

In a great marriage, I want someone to meet my need for love as often as possible. As an active partner in a great marriage, I can meet most, if not all, of my other needs. In past relationships, I did feel loved. What I failed to notice and ask for was the specific need I had to feel love – this staying activity. I got it, but only by accident. It was not an agreed upon aspect of any past relationship and I was not conscious of this need.

It is extremely helpful to learn how you feel love and to let your partner know. For sure, you had it with them at some point. A marriage will thrive if that basic need is being met. If your partner ever withholds it, then you know there is a problem to address and adjustments to be made. Withholding of affection comes way before resentment sets in. Making your need for love known to yourself and your partner will only make it easier to deal with any new hurdles that come your way.

So how do you feel loved? I offer a course on this subject. See www.thecenterformarriage.com for more information.

Are GREAT Marriages Even Possible?

Is it possible to have a GREAT marriage? I’ve had two 15-year marriages. When my marriages ended, I did some deep introspection into who I am to myself and in relationship to others. Since then, I have been helping couples with money and relationship issues, and my unequivocal answer is an emphatic YES you can HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE! I am not a professionally trained counselor, but my work with couples is full of joy. I have found that I can listen and make suggestions based upon truly hearing what a person says. I call myself a “nudge” because I am able to prod the individual into seeing something they have already revealed. Often they just don’t see it clearly until I repeat it back to them. It’s like being a mirror for a friend. A full description of what I do can be found at www.thecenterformarriage.com.

What I’ve noticed, however, is that even the smallest steps in working on a relationship are an anathema to most couples. Whether it is fear, too little time, resentment, the desire for a quick fix or any other reason, couples generally prefer to let things slide. They are quick to resist. In many cases they neglect their relationship altogether. It’s like they go to sleep. This breeds disaster. All marriages get stuck in difficult territory at times and without support things can deteriorate. I’ve seen too many angry divorces among couples who once loved each other. I believe this result can be avoided. At the very least, if divorce is inevitable, it can be far more mutually agreeable without all that anger.

So what would draw individuals and couples into doing some work on their relationships in a timely way, before neglect has taken its toll? What can be done to ensure we are awake and aware of who we are for ourselves and in relationship? Where do we get support for this process and how can we build on it? It is my hope that anyone who finds their way to this blog will join me in a conversation about how to HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE! Share your opinions, experiences, and questions, and together we will discover the answers within ourselves.