Growing up I can remember well times of tenderness. My mother gave me tender treatment when I was sick. I, too, find a place of tenderness when my children are suffering or ill. What I did not get then and am just learning now is treating everyone all the time with tenderness is what I am truly about.
I don’t do it regularly because I am caught up in my ego often. When my ego is in charge of my mind and body, I plow through life without regard of how I treat others and, most importantly, how I treat myself. When I am under my ego’s control, I am trying to get somewhere, to look good, to project my haughty self-image, to be “right” so I can win love. I ignore all the “softer” parts of me that exude tenderness and kindness.
Right now at this moment, I know for sure that if I were to tell you the truth it would be that the time I spend in my ego is wasted. When I come back toward whom I truly am, I am extremely happy, tender to others, kind and loving. The hardest part is to turn the tenderness inward toward myself. It takes practice to do this.
This is by far the most difficult period in my life. Actually, it probably isn’t, but that is what my “mind” (read ego) is telling me. All I think I have going for me is that I have survived before and will do so again. Really, what I have that I did not have before is conscious awakening to how my ego-mind works and some experience now with who I truly am without my ego involved. So the struggle is to give into the depressing ego or to be the peaceful, loving, kind and generous person that I really am.
Traversing back and forth between my ego and let me call it my “higher self” is difficult. The ego has a strong hold on me. Breaking away almost always feels incomplete as if the I am on a long leash, but still tethered.
Here’s what I know from my experience in relationship and I inject this into the work I do (see www.thecenterformarriage.com). My ego steps aside when others can tell me in a convincing way that I am loved just the way I am. It really works. I actually can take that love in and avoid a whole host of stories and messages my ego is sending my way ostensibly to win the love I want from another.
Yet, the trick in self-transformation is to love oneself sufficiently so that the love of another is not required for happiness. It’s just a bonus. I have worked with the idea of loving myself and it is evident that I am making progress. However, I also know that it is incomplete because I still respond to the love of others with awe and beauty. I need to be able to respond to myself with the same awe and beauty.
The answer has been around me all the time, but I just didn’t see it until now. I have seen pitched battles between couples turn into loving situations because at least one of the people involved touches their place of tenderness. Physically this feels to me like warmth coming from my heart spreading to the rest of my body. It is not something the mind can do by itself. It comes from a place of peace, a place absent of ego, a place of stillness and trust. When I am in this place I am no longer (unconsciously) treating myself poorly and elevating others. I am totally who I am at my core. I am spiritually connected to others as if they were myself.
It is often said that loving oneself well will help in relationship. My experience in the world is that this love must be connected to others through tenderness toward oneself. Tenderness releases my loving-kindness through myself to others. As a boy, I would imagine myself as one of three amigos riding on the whitest horse leading my band of followers into battle to do good deeds for others. My cowboy days are gone. I now see myself with others in tender connection where love is everywhere and kindness lights the way.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I Don't Know Anything
Have you ever wondered how intelligent, well-educated, hard-working, fun-loving people get into relationships and have no clue what they are doing? Well, I think they think they know what they are doing, but it doesn’t turn out so well. So I must confess I didn’t used to do very well in relationships. This has happened to me several times: I thought all I had to do was to be devoted to the person I was with, adhere to certain principles of fair play and to try to fit into the situation the best that I could and be helpful and useful. Let me say that this worked for several years in the two major relationships in my life, but each one ended after 16 years. In the aftermath of both relationships I was just running on empty having given all I could for many years and had nothing to show for it. I thought I knew everything, but actually had nothing. I was hurt and in pain.
After the second lost relationship, I looked back a bit at these painful endings wanting to find out what went wrong and I asked the most important question of my life: “What was the common denominator in these relationships?” The answer was, “Me!” But how did I manage to tear up these relationships? What could I change? Would I ever be loved again? Would I ever want to love again?
The answer I sought came to me in a series of encounters. I had been working with couples on money issues to help them act together on spending, saving and earning matters. With all of them, we hit some barriers that could not be overcome. So I started working with couples on their relationships, in general, to see what contributed to their difficulties in coming to agreement on money and anything else they struggled with. I was also seeing a counselor trying to heal the pain I was feeling over the last failed relationship. She helped me open to many possible explanations of why things did not work. At the same time, I was working with a wonderfully grounded coach who reflected back to me what she had heard from me. She let me know clearly and also in subtle ways who I was and who I was becoming. I had lost touch with myself while in relationship.
I love working with people on their struggles in life. What they may not know is that they are my struggles, too. I listen carefully, honoring the words they speak and not to put my own words and judgments about their issues into the conversation. I ask questions and listen – not like a therapist, which I am not – but rather as someone they can connect with who has been through turmoil in relationships and believes strongly in the importance of staying in relationships. We learn life’s lessons in relationship. Being a part of what others discover about themselves while in relationship is a service I embrace. I nudge them on the path to self discovery.
Here’s what I observed (in others and in myself). Disagreements occur between two people’s egos. The ego is the place where we think we know things. Both parties speaking from their ego express their desire to be seen as being “right” which cannot be true unless the other person is “wrong.” Our ego wants us to “look good” at all times. It wants us to be seen as separate and wonderful always looking for signs that we are indeed wonderful. Funny thing about all this is that when we are truly loved for who we are, we totally miss receiving that love because we, I mean our egos, are not looking for it. Instead, we are looking for prestige and other “feel good” stuff coming from others. We can only receive love well when we have it for ourselves. The ego is always searching elsewhere for what it wants and we can totally miss the presence of love. In working with couples, it is obvious when there is a break-through because the agitated party relaxes into the place of feeling and receiving love. The ego has left the room.
A simple example of how the ego gets in the way is when a wife might say, “I love how you take care of the garden.” Yet, you hear her say, “The garden needs tending right now and I won’t love you until you get it done!” We are in the future in our heads. We are elsewhere because our ego is trying to separate us from others. We miss what actually happened – love for who we are being – because our ego is not satisfied by comments from someone who may have criticized us in the past, holds the keys to our happiness and has not been forgiven for any past hurts. Unconsciously, we are just not there. We are frightened and cannot hear we are loved.
So what came up for me after listening and understanding people I’m working with, working with my therapist and coach and then entering into a new relationship that has been, from the outset, caring and equal. What I learned is this: I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! By that I mean, what resides with the ego, all the things that helped me get through childhood and my initial forays into the world, are false. All my beliefs, goals, expectations of myself and others, assumptions, fears, judgments, and thoughts from stories I tell myself do not serve me. The ego separates me from others, it protects me from my fears, it rationalizes every choice I make so they feel safe to me. Yet, as I follow my ego, my life narrows and hardens. I am no fun whatsoever to myself and others when I am trying to control everything with my ego. I am suffering in my ego-self.
So I don’t know anything, at least not in the places my ego touches. What I did find out is I have what seems to be unlimited wisdom in the feeling places. Some of the feeling places are connected to my ego through emotions and stories, but others are purely my real self – connected to everyone and everything. Some call it the God within or Buddha-self. Lets call it our Source as does Dr. Wayne Dyer. It has always been there.
Before observing myself carefully in life, I did not know that this place existed within me. I learned through experience that I am already perfect somewhere within me. I just need to wipe away all the other stuff so I can be the perfection that I am some of the time. Let me say right here and right now: This is a never-ending process, this “creeping down the stairs” from my ego-self to who I truly am is rewarding, but never complete. Something new pops up every day. Invite it in because it is a life lesson just waiting to be welcomed. This new thing is, as it turns out, connected to all sorts of interesting parts of me – some bogus and some true.
Completing a walk down the stairs with a difficult emotion is worth the effort. It is not important to understand it (that comes much later). It is only important to stay with it. Most of us stop “staying” out of fear (that ego thing again) and the desire to avoid pain. Yet I learned from coaching to gather my fears, my pain and my hurts and stay with them continuously until they actually morphed into something entirely different. Some things used to stay with me for weeks. Now that I’ve worked through several emotions, they stay around for a day or so. I don’t “know” anything about how this works or what lies ahead. Instead of “knowing”, I need to trust that wisdom is there within me already waiting to be let out in the open.
We carry every childhood fear and pain with us into adulthood until we allow them to be exposed for what they are. In the pain and the fear is the way out of them (this is really a magical thing to experience). It takes no effort. Just courage to stay there even though the ego wants to “fix” the pain, protect you from fear and to demean those who hurt you. It is as though you are in a room alone with fright and pain swirling around while the ego, with great effort, is seeking solace, help and answers. Suddenly when the ego pauses for a breath, a door opens and you step through it. What is through this door is beautiful, full of light and love. Physically, you morph from extreme tightness and pain into looseness and warmth. You know you are there by the sensation of freedom and the absence of any pain. You experience your inner wisdom by feeling free. There is no thinking that gets you there.
This is the working of the wisdom within that we all have. It is just very difficult to access for some people (especially narcissists). It is certainly difficult to access it for all of us all of the time. We go in and out of our egos and act from the ego quite often even though we are “enlightened” by having channeled into our inner wisdom previously. Did you ever get upset while standing in line at the grocery store or the DMV as if you were the most important person in the world and your time was so very valuable that how dare anyone slow you down? We’ve all been there. Yet through practice, we can experience more frequently the wisdom within. We can know what freedom really feels like. And we can be loving toward ourselves and others, at least, most of the time.
How does this all work? Take these 5 steps as a “daily” routine:
1. Look in the mirror each morning and say “I don’t know anything!” (I personally use stronger language so my ego really gets the message.)
2. Sit in stillness alone or with your partner and allow any and all thoughts to go through you without judging them. Just thank them for being there and let them pass through you. You’ll be amazed at all the “idle” thoughts that come through you including mundane things like shopping lists and emotionally charged things like anger at someone or something. When your mind quiets, extend loving thoughts to all those in your life and then to everyone everywhere so you end with a sensation of feeling connection to others. (You may repeat this several times during the day).
3. Always observe yourself as you go about your day. Exercising is a great time to make observations. Observe how often you feel you have to be “right” or “look good” when at work or with acquaintances and friends. Notice how often judgments about yourself and others pop into your head. Your observations of yourself and others bring into consciousness things that were not there before. Simply notice how much your ego is at work throughout your day. This takes practice and patience. It’s a fun thing to do with a partner. Share each of your own experiences with self-observation each day. Just notice what is happening with your partner and yourself. Do not judge or evaluate. Everything you notice is evocative. There is richness just in observation.
4. Find a time to “stay” with painful emotions (again, exercising is great for this).
5. Read affirmations (David Richo, Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Psalms, for example) and select some to focus on for a few days. Read them before going to sleep and imagine them being true in your life.
I do not have the discipline to do these five things every day. Life is about remembering and forgetting. Don’t add this list to the “shoulds” in your life. This is not the path to freedom. I might remember to look at this list and choose one thing. That is a good day for me.
As I said, I love working with individuals and couples on relationship issues. I created The Center for Marriage (http://www.thecenterformarriage.com/) to help people go from good to great in their relationships. There are courses and consulting sessions where I nudge them on the path toward self-discovery. Great marriages are found where people can be loving and have the sensation of being free and open in their lives and with their partners.
After the second lost relationship, I looked back a bit at these painful endings wanting to find out what went wrong and I asked the most important question of my life: “What was the common denominator in these relationships?” The answer was, “Me!” But how did I manage to tear up these relationships? What could I change? Would I ever be loved again? Would I ever want to love again?
The answer I sought came to me in a series of encounters. I had been working with couples on money issues to help them act together on spending, saving and earning matters. With all of them, we hit some barriers that could not be overcome. So I started working with couples on their relationships, in general, to see what contributed to their difficulties in coming to agreement on money and anything else they struggled with. I was also seeing a counselor trying to heal the pain I was feeling over the last failed relationship. She helped me open to many possible explanations of why things did not work. At the same time, I was working with a wonderfully grounded coach who reflected back to me what she had heard from me. She let me know clearly and also in subtle ways who I was and who I was becoming. I had lost touch with myself while in relationship.
I love working with people on their struggles in life. What they may not know is that they are my struggles, too. I listen carefully, honoring the words they speak and not to put my own words and judgments about their issues into the conversation. I ask questions and listen – not like a therapist, which I am not – but rather as someone they can connect with who has been through turmoil in relationships and believes strongly in the importance of staying in relationships. We learn life’s lessons in relationship. Being a part of what others discover about themselves while in relationship is a service I embrace. I nudge them on the path to self discovery.
Here’s what I observed (in others and in myself). Disagreements occur between two people’s egos. The ego is the place where we think we know things. Both parties speaking from their ego express their desire to be seen as being “right” which cannot be true unless the other person is “wrong.” Our ego wants us to “look good” at all times. It wants us to be seen as separate and wonderful always looking for signs that we are indeed wonderful. Funny thing about all this is that when we are truly loved for who we are, we totally miss receiving that love because we, I mean our egos, are not looking for it. Instead, we are looking for prestige and other “feel good” stuff coming from others. We can only receive love well when we have it for ourselves. The ego is always searching elsewhere for what it wants and we can totally miss the presence of love. In working with couples, it is obvious when there is a break-through because the agitated party relaxes into the place of feeling and receiving love. The ego has left the room.
A simple example of how the ego gets in the way is when a wife might say, “I love how you take care of the garden.” Yet, you hear her say, “The garden needs tending right now and I won’t love you until you get it done!” We are in the future in our heads. We are elsewhere because our ego is trying to separate us from others. We miss what actually happened – love for who we are being – because our ego is not satisfied by comments from someone who may have criticized us in the past, holds the keys to our happiness and has not been forgiven for any past hurts. Unconsciously, we are just not there. We are frightened and cannot hear we are loved.
So what came up for me after listening and understanding people I’m working with, working with my therapist and coach and then entering into a new relationship that has been, from the outset, caring and equal. What I learned is this: I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! By that I mean, what resides with the ego, all the things that helped me get through childhood and my initial forays into the world, are false. All my beliefs, goals, expectations of myself and others, assumptions, fears, judgments, and thoughts from stories I tell myself do not serve me. The ego separates me from others, it protects me from my fears, it rationalizes every choice I make so they feel safe to me. Yet, as I follow my ego, my life narrows and hardens. I am no fun whatsoever to myself and others when I am trying to control everything with my ego. I am suffering in my ego-self.
So I don’t know anything, at least not in the places my ego touches. What I did find out is I have what seems to be unlimited wisdom in the feeling places. Some of the feeling places are connected to my ego through emotions and stories, but others are purely my real self – connected to everyone and everything. Some call it the God within or Buddha-self. Lets call it our Source as does Dr. Wayne Dyer. It has always been there.
Before observing myself carefully in life, I did not know that this place existed within me. I learned through experience that I am already perfect somewhere within me. I just need to wipe away all the other stuff so I can be the perfection that I am some of the time. Let me say right here and right now: This is a never-ending process, this “creeping down the stairs” from my ego-self to who I truly am is rewarding, but never complete. Something new pops up every day. Invite it in because it is a life lesson just waiting to be welcomed. This new thing is, as it turns out, connected to all sorts of interesting parts of me – some bogus and some true.
Completing a walk down the stairs with a difficult emotion is worth the effort. It is not important to understand it (that comes much later). It is only important to stay with it. Most of us stop “staying” out of fear (that ego thing again) and the desire to avoid pain. Yet I learned from coaching to gather my fears, my pain and my hurts and stay with them continuously until they actually morphed into something entirely different. Some things used to stay with me for weeks. Now that I’ve worked through several emotions, they stay around for a day or so. I don’t “know” anything about how this works or what lies ahead. Instead of “knowing”, I need to trust that wisdom is there within me already waiting to be let out in the open.
We carry every childhood fear and pain with us into adulthood until we allow them to be exposed for what they are. In the pain and the fear is the way out of them (this is really a magical thing to experience). It takes no effort. Just courage to stay there even though the ego wants to “fix” the pain, protect you from fear and to demean those who hurt you. It is as though you are in a room alone with fright and pain swirling around while the ego, with great effort, is seeking solace, help and answers. Suddenly when the ego pauses for a breath, a door opens and you step through it. What is through this door is beautiful, full of light and love. Physically, you morph from extreme tightness and pain into looseness and warmth. You know you are there by the sensation of freedom and the absence of any pain. You experience your inner wisdom by feeling free. There is no thinking that gets you there.
This is the working of the wisdom within that we all have. It is just very difficult to access for some people (especially narcissists). It is certainly difficult to access it for all of us all of the time. We go in and out of our egos and act from the ego quite often even though we are “enlightened” by having channeled into our inner wisdom previously. Did you ever get upset while standing in line at the grocery store or the DMV as if you were the most important person in the world and your time was so very valuable that how dare anyone slow you down? We’ve all been there. Yet through practice, we can experience more frequently the wisdom within. We can know what freedom really feels like. And we can be loving toward ourselves and others, at least, most of the time.
How does this all work? Take these 5 steps as a “daily” routine:
1. Look in the mirror each morning and say “I don’t know anything!” (I personally use stronger language so my ego really gets the message.)
2. Sit in stillness alone or with your partner and allow any and all thoughts to go through you without judging them. Just thank them for being there and let them pass through you. You’ll be amazed at all the “idle” thoughts that come through you including mundane things like shopping lists and emotionally charged things like anger at someone or something. When your mind quiets, extend loving thoughts to all those in your life and then to everyone everywhere so you end with a sensation of feeling connection to others. (You may repeat this several times during the day).
3. Always observe yourself as you go about your day. Exercising is a great time to make observations. Observe how often you feel you have to be “right” or “look good” when at work or with acquaintances and friends. Notice how often judgments about yourself and others pop into your head. Your observations of yourself and others bring into consciousness things that were not there before. Simply notice how much your ego is at work throughout your day. This takes practice and patience. It’s a fun thing to do with a partner. Share each of your own experiences with self-observation each day. Just notice what is happening with your partner and yourself. Do not judge or evaluate. Everything you notice is evocative. There is richness just in observation.
4. Find a time to “stay” with painful emotions (again, exercising is great for this).
5. Read affirmations (David Richo, Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Psalms, for example) and select some to focus on for a few days. Read them before going to sleep and imagine them being true in your life.
I do not have the discipline to do these five things every day. Life is about remembering and forgetting. Don’t add this list to the “shoulds” in your life. This is not the path to freedom. I might remember to look at this list and choose one thing. That is a good day for me.
As I said, I love working with individuals and couples on relationship issues. I created The Center for Marriage (http://www.thecenterformarriage.com/) to help people go from good to great in their relationships. There are courses and consulting sessions where I nudge them on the path toward self-discovery. Great marriages are found where people can be loving and have the sensation of being free and open in their lives and with their partners.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Weeds We Bring To Relationships
There are weeds we bring to a relationship and weeds we create once in relationship. Both types of weeds can be tamed – like any good gardener would – by finding them, removing them carefully, figuring out what conditions led to their emergence and taking steps to reduce their impact in the future. Careful planning and attention will not keep all weeds away. They re-emerge. Having previously identified the nature of a re-emergent weed, it is easier to deal with it when it comes back. Almost all weeds in our lives are invisible (they lie in our unconscious), yet are ready to pop up at any time often in reaction to some experience or event. For us, it means making our “weeds” conscious so we recognize them when we see them.
You might notice when weeds pop up by observing the times you react strongly (pleasure or pain) inside or outwardly to something that happens. If you have a moderate reaction and then consciously decide whether the event was appropriate to you or not, then it is not a pernicious weed. It merely comes and goes and you trust you can handle it when it comes up again. However, if you get angry, defensive, defiant or euphoric, so much so that you are unwilling to let the event pass, you have probably encountered a weed or two in your makeup.
Notice that there can be a delay in your response as some of us have a slow-functioning pilot light system. This is common. Sometimes we lash out in anger to a loved-one hours, days or weeks after one or more events have lit a slow simmering flame within us. All that person did was to be in your presence when the heat was too great and the volcano erupted. Again, notice when your reactions are strong regardless of when they show up and then notice the situation or series of events that prompted the reaction. By the way, go back and apologize to your loved-one and let them know your outburst had nothing to do with them at all.
The weeds we bring to a relationship had seeds planted years ago and there are many. They have varying power over our behavior, but they are all there all the time. Many of the weeds come from:
• Unmourned losses from our past
• Multiple fears developed over time
• Beliefs we’ve formed to be safe and secure
• Expectations of ourselves (and others)
• All the “shoulds” we think are right for us (and others)
• Assumptions about how things ought to be
• Living in the future (our desire to be somewhere else)
• Living in the past (our desire to avoid change)
• Self-hate and outsized self-love
All of these weeds work to obscure what is actually happening as it occurs. They cause or curiosity to be submerged. They work to shut us off from all the information our senses take in. Instead they produce pain when an event reminds us of a loss, they cause anxiety when a fear is encountered, they trigger dismay when a belief is violated, they produce anger when expectations go unmet, they make us defensive when any of our “shoulds” are challenged, they cause us to withdraw when our assumptions are trifled with, they give us impatience when our goals and dreams appear elusive, they bring out controlling behaviors when the past cannot be maintained, and they generate acts of retaliation and blame when we mess up or when events thwart us. Weeds work to put us in reactive mode without ever noting with any clarity what actually is going on. We all do this, over and over.
Don’t react now by going to the place of making these weeds “wrong.” They are not a weakness, nor a sin, nor an enemy. They are not wrong, they just are there. If we make our acquired reactions to events wrong, we will miss what is there to learn anew. Our job is to recognize and accept weeds when they arise and to practice just being with what is there in spite of our conditioned responses. The idea is to get in touch with the weeds and not allow them take us to where they habitually go. For example, I will often ask a loved one a question about their activities or lives out of curiosity. The response I often get is meaningless because they tell me things they think I want to hear. People want to “look good” out of fear, beliefs, assumptions and the like. Conversation where one party must “look good” at all times means they are intent upon reacting. My motives are not clear or understood and little if any real communication takes place.
So now I may start with, “I really need to understand what is going on with you. I want to support you. In this conversation, please don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. Just let me know what you think and feel so I can understand what you are about. If you can do this, I’d like to have a conversation now.” This may not be the best way to engage in meaningful conversation, but it creates great communication often enough to satisfy my curiosity and develops greatly improved understanding of myself and others.
You might notice when weeds pop up by observing the times you react strongly (pleasure or pain) inside or outwardly to something that happens. If you have a moderate reaction and then consciously decide whether the event was appropriate to you or not, then it is not a pernicious weed. It merely comes and goes and you trust you can handle it when it comes up again. However, if you get angry, defensive, defiant or euphoric, so much so that you are unwilling to let the event pass, you have probably encountered a weed or two in your makeup.
Notice that there can be a delay in your response as some of us have a slow-functioning pilot light system. This is common. Sometimes we lash out in anger to a loved-one hours, days or weeks after one or more events have lit a slow simmering flame within us. All that person did was to be in your presence when the heat was too great and the volcano erupted. Again, notice when your reactions are strong regardless of when they show up and then notice the situation or series of events that prompted the reaction. By the way, go back and apologize to your loved-one and let them know your outburst had nothing to do with them at all.
The weeds we bring to a relationship had seeds planted years ago and there are many. They have varying power over our behavior, but they are all there all the time. Many of the weeds come from:
• Unmourned losses from our past
• Multiple fears developed over time
• Beliefs we’ve formed to be safe and secure
• Expectations of ourselves (and others)
• All the “shoulds” we think are right for us (and others)
• Assumptions about how things ought to be
• Living in the future (our desire to be somewhere else)
• Living in the past (our desire to avoid change)
• Self-hate and outsized self-love
All of these weeds work to obscure what is actually happening as it occurs. They cause or curiosity to be submerged. They work to shut us off from all the information our senses take in. Instead they produce pain when an event reminds us of a loss, they cause anxiety when a fear is encountered, they trigger dismay when a belief is violated, they produce anger when expectations go unmet, they make us defensive when any of our “shoulds” are challenged, they cause us to withdraw when our assumptions are trifled with, they give us impatience when our goals and dreams appear elusive, they bring out controlling behaviors when the past cannot be maintained, and they generate acts of retaliation and blame when we mess up or when events thwart us. Weeds work to put us in reactive mode without ever noting with any clarity what actually is going on. We all do this, over and over.
Don’t react now by going to the place of making these weeds “wrong.” They are not a weakness, nor a sin, nor an enemy. They are not wrong, they just are there. If we make our acquired reactions to events wrong, we will miss what is there to learn anew. Our job is to recognize and accept weeds when they arise and to practice just being with what is there in spite of our conditioned responses. The idea is to get in touch with the weeds and not allow them take us to where they habitually go. For example, I will often ask a loved one a question about their activities or lives out of curiosity. The response I often get is meaningless because they tell me things they think I want to hear. People want to “look good” out of fear, beliefs, assumptions and the like. Conversation where one party must “look good” at all times means they are intent upon reacting. My motives are not clear or understood and little if any real communication takes place.
So now I may start with, “I really need to understand what is going on with you. I want to support you. In this conversation, please don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. Just let me know what you think and feel so I can understand what you are about. If you can do this, I’d like to have a conversation now.” This may not be the best way to engage in meaningful conversation, but it creates great communication often enough to satisfy my curiosity and develops greatly improved understanding of myself and others.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Nudging Karl
We all bury the truth about ourselves and we have no idea we are doing it. This is normal. It is also painful. We can learn to access our truth if we take action to reveal one or more of the multitude of stories we have created that serve to conceal from us our true selves. To understand what I am talking about, let me use the example of a friend who just recently discovered a truth about himself that he had been denying for years.
Karl acts “fiercely” independent. I say “fiercely” because he acted this way on everything in his life and it brought him no joy whatsoever. He did not ask for help at work or at home. On occasion he would ask close friends for help, but only if he had helped that person several times prior to his request for assistance. He did not want to be a burden or a bother to anyone. He did not like that about himself nor did he like it in others. He shunned friends who were “too needy.”
I had told Karl that I had always seen myself as being married until a few years ago when I realized I needed to give myself more attention so I could fulfill most of my needs all by myself. I told him that I was now so much better in relationships since I could fulfill most of my needs and looked to have a few important ones fulfilled in relationships.
Karl started to question his approach to relationships and then honed in on himself. I nudged him to notice how afraid he was and how his ego was dragging him through crises. Karl noticed that he, too, was needy. Then something hit him strongly. He realized that, since childhood, he had lived with a dream that someone would take care of him and life would be great thereafter. It was painful for him to acknowledge this dream existed within him because it wasn’t at all the image he portrayed to others and himself. He was shaken by this realization for many days.
I told him, based upon my experience, that when he was a child, dependent upon others, he wanted someone (most likely his parents) to help him and they did not. It could have been inadvertent on his parent’s part or it could have been the way they were. It likely happened several times at an early age so his desire to be helped went unheeded. For him it was a serious loss then and turned into an unconscious yearning for help now. Consciously, he learned to fend for himself because others did not or perhaps he was encouraged to take care of himself by pre-occupied parents. He learned to be independent. The message he carried with him was “I am not loved because my needs aren’t being met and no will meet them so I must do it for myself, damn them all.” So he carried into adulthood two different images of himself: the independent actor and the helpless child. Both of them are false and unlovable.
I needed to nudge him again. It's what I do (see http://www.thecenterformarriage.com/). I told him that he could go into therapy to try to come to grips with the lacking in his childhood or he could mourn the loss of what appears to be a desperate need for help and love when he was young. I told him he didn’t get it then and would not get what it was he wanted then as an adult. So it was necessary to mourn the loss as completely as possible. To be clear, it is the mourning of that child-like intense desire for missing love that needs to be mourned as not ever coming to fruition. It cannot be given now because it was only needed then.
As he listened to my nudge, he seemed to lighten a little. He was stunned to realize that he only acted at being independent when he was not free to be that way at all. He fought hard to be separate from others, but he sensed he was really a [art of the whole. I told him separateness was a source of conflict that affected him and all of his relationships. He looked down on dependent, clinging, needy people because he did not like that about himself. Even though he developed a mask of independence, the deep down yearning had a different source. Something in him was lacking because he didn’t get the love and attention he needed as a child. Children see things as their fault. It is the blaming that must go away with the mourning.
Mourning takes time. Once the loss has been brought into the light, it can be mourned. The loss of a dream is not easy to shake. It recurs and each time it must be mourned as lost. At the same time, there is an unraveling of the image of fierce independence. It is a complex, layered protection device the ego has been erecting for years. It has touched every part of your being. The ego reacts to losses by creating a whole set of beliefs, assumptions and expectations about how life must proceed. The mourning is a start, but it is the least of the work Karl must do.
Because of the loss and the images and stories the ego has erected, Karl has not been in touch with what actually is happening in each moment. He has been experiencing only those things that comport with his beliefs and his feeling of loss. He has been elsewhere, meaning he does not see the reality of his life clearly as it happens.
In addition to the mourning (the definite loss and not “maybe” a loss) he has to also start seeing what actually is in a curious way. Observing life without active judgment, expectations, beliefs, prejudices, goals, plans, assumptions and the like must be practiced along with the mourning activity.
The only way I have experienced to get to what actually is going on in life is to be aware of what pops up as I go from one thing to the other. Typically some sort of ego-driven machination will show up (judgment, expectation, belief, etc.) that will put me in reactive mode. To get back into life, Karl needs to notice what comes up, consciously ask it to abide his experiment with something new and give life a new shot. It is quite amazing to me to see that each new chance to open into awareness must be followed by a practice of getting into the moment in order to make a change in who I am becoming.
Karl acts “fiercely” independent. I say “fiercely” because he acted this way on everything in his life and it brought him no joy whatsoever. He did not ask for help at work or at home. On occasion he would ask close friends for help, but only if he had helped that person several times prior to his request for assistance. He did not want to be a burden or a bother to anyone. He did not like that about himself nor did he like it in others. He shunned friends who were “too needy.”
I had told Karl that I had always seen myself as being married until a few years ago when I realized I needed to give myself more attention so I could fulfill most of my needs all by myself. I told him that I was now so much better in relationships since I could fulfill most of my needs and looked to have a few important ones fulfilled in relationships.
Karl started to question his approach to relationships and then honed in on himself. I nudged him to notice how afraid he was and how his ego was dragging him through crises. Karl noticed that he, too, was needy. Then something hit him strongly. He realized that, since childhood, he had lived with a dream that someone would take care of him and life would be great thereafter. It was painful for him to acknowledge this dream existed within him because it wasn’t at all the image he portrayed to others and himself. He was shaken by this realization for many days.
I told him, based upon my experience, that when he was a child, dependent upon others, he wanted someone (most likely his parents) to help him and they did not. It could have been inadvertent on his parent’s part or it could have been the way they were. It likely happened several times at an early age so his desire to be helped went unheeded. For him it was a serious loss then and turned into an unconscious yearning for help now. Consciously, he learned to fend for himself because others did not or perhaps he was encouraged to take care of himself by pre-occupied parents. He learned to be independent. The message he carried with him was “I am not loved because my needs aren’t being met and no will meet them so I must do it for myself, damn them all.” So he carried into adulthood two different images of himself: the independent actor and the helpless child. Both of them are false and unlovable.
I needed to nudge him again. It's what I do (see http://www.thecenterformarriage.com/). I told him that he could go into therapy to try to come to grips with the lacking in his childhood or he could mourn the loss of what appears to be a desperate need for help and love when he was young. I told him he didn’t get it then and would not get what it was he wanted then as an adult. So it was necessary to mourn the loss as completely as possible. To be clear, it is the mourning of that child-like intense desire for missing love that needs to be mourned as not ever coming to fruition. It cannot be given now because it was only needed then.
As he listened to my nudge, he seemed to lighten a little. He was stunned to realize that he only acted at being independent when he was not free to be that way at all. He fought hard to be separate from others, but he sensed he was really a [art of the whole. I told him separateness was a source of conflict that affected him and all of his relationships. He looked down on dependent, clinging, needy people because he did not like that about himself. Even though he developed a mask of independence, the deep down yearning had a different source. Something in him was lacking because he didn’t get the love and attention he needed as a child. Children see things as their fault. It is the blaming that must go away with the mourning.
Mourning takes time. Once the loss has been brought into the light, it can be mourned. The loss of a dream is not easy to shake. It recurs and each time it must be mourned as lost. At the same time, there is an unraveling of the image of fierce independence. It is a complex, layered protection device the ego has been erecting for years. It has touched every part of your being. The ego reacts to losses by creating a whole set of beliefs, assumptions and expectations about how life must proceed. The mourning is a start, but it is the least of the work Karl must do.
Because of the loss and the images and stories the ego has erected, Karl has not been in touch with what actually is happening in each moment. He has been experiencing only those things that comport with his beliefs and his feeling of loss. He has been elsewhere, meaning he does not see the reality of his life clearly as it happens.
In addition to the mourning (the definite loss and not “maybe” a loss) he has to also start seeing what actually is in a curious way. Observing life without active judgment, expectations, beliefs, prejudices, goals, plans, assumptions and the like must be practiced along with the mourning activity.
The only way I have experienced to get to what actually is going on in life is to be aware of what pops up as I go from one thing to the other. Typically some sort of ego-driven machination will show up (judgment, expectation, belief, etc.) that will put me in reactive mode. To get back into life, Karl needs to notice what comes up, consciously ask it to abide his experiment with something new and give life a new shot. It is quite amazing to me to see that each new chance to open into awareness must be followed by a practice of getting into the moment in order to make a change in who I am becoming.
Where Neglect Comes From
I ain’t got no book learnin’ about psychology and emotional stuff. I only can relate my own experiences, the experiences of friends, the experiences of those who I have worked with and the people I observe from day-to-day. In my own experience of a failed marriage, I can clearly say, “I didn’t see it coming.” In watching other marriages fail, I sensed that these failures, as well as mine, were due to neglect.
I have been “listening” for a few years for neglect in relationships. I had accumulated a jumble of observations that did not reveal to me the nature of neglect and how it works. The pieces came together for me during an Episcopal Church service. The service had a script – God’s Word – and there was no deviation from it. The Word extolled a single system of belief in Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit and the Father.
As I listened to the service, I became aware of my own past penchant to treat the world as deterministic – understandable and predictable, really. I sense that this belief kept me in a trance, listening only for things that I could make understandable and were predictable from a logical thought pattern I had developed.
I developed this way of thinking so I could get to where I was going – a financially successful person, a good parent, with a home, a wife and a stable, calm existence. I was constantly striving to attain this success, I guess because it was so elusive or because I wanted to maintain the appearance of having it all.
As a result of being elsewhere with my thoughts, I was not aware of the things that were happening around me. I was also not open to making changes or even to recognize change as it occurred around me. By focusing on attaining something not in my grasp (yet sure it was within my reach), I was not in touch with others or with myself.
We don’t choose neglect directly. It happens when we are pre-occupied with being something other than what we are. I now have faith that I am, at my core, a perfectly formed person (in God’s image). I can be anywhere and listen to this part of me that was unavailable when I was in a trance. Awakening from trance is a vital part of the work we do at http://www.thecenterformarriage.com/.
I enjoy the uncertainty of life now because I know I don’t know as yet who I am in my fullness and richness. I am more cognizant of the emotional quality of my life as I take action in the various aspects of it. I am learning about my self in relationship with others and in a special, intimate relationship where my fullness of spirit is readily accessed and revealed to me.
Yet, I can back lapse into the trance – as we all can. Life is about remembering and forgetting. When I start listening again, I can notice neglect and be open to all that might be there right in front of my nose whether understandable or not. It brings me to a place of freedom where I get in touch to that God within. It ends when I forget by tricking myself into believing things are predictable. Then I remember to listen.
As I age, the periods of forgetting diminish in length until I see the beauty in life again.
I have been “listening” for a few years for neglect in relationships. I had accumulated a jumble of observations that did not reveal to me the nature of neglect and how it works. The pieces came together for me during an Episcopal Church service. The service had a script – God’s Word – and there was no deviation from it. The Word extolled a single system of belief in Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit and the Father.
As I listened to the service, I became aware of my own past penchant to treat the world as deterministic – understandable and predictable, really. I sense that this belief kept me in a trance, listening only for things that I could make understandable and were predictable from a logical thought pattern I had developed.
I developed this way of thinking so I could get to where I was going – a financially successful person, a good parent, with a home, a wife and a stable, calm existence. I was constantly striving to attain this success, I guess because it was so elusive or because I wanted to maintain the appearance of having it all.
As a result of being elsewhere with my thoughts, I was not aware of the things that were happening around me. I was also not open to making changes or even to recognize change as it occurred around me. By focusing on attaining something not in my grasp (yet sure it was within my reach), I was not in touch with others or with myself.
We don’t choose neglect directly. It happens when we are pre-occupied with being something other than what we are. I now have faith that I am, at my core, a perfectly formed person (in God’s image). I can be anywhere and listen to this part of me that was unavailable when I was in a trance. Awakening from trance is a vital part of the work we do at http://www.thecenterformarriage.com/.
I enjoy the uncertainty of life now because I know I don’t know as yet who I am in my fullness and richness. I am more cognizant of the emotional quality of my life as I take action in the various aspects of it. I am learning about my self in relationship with others and in a special, intimate relationship where my fullness of spirit is readily accessed and revealed to me.
Yet, I can back lapse into the trance – as we all can. Life is about remembering and forgetting. When I start listening again, I can notice neglect and be open to all that might be there right in front of my nose whether understandable or not. It brings me to a place of freedom where I get in touch to that God within. It ends when I forget by tricking myself into believing things are predictable. Then I remember to listen.
As I age, the periods of forgetting diminish in length until I see the beauty in life again.
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