Marital therapists often focus on communication styles when couples need some help, but what is most important in doing this work is where you come from when you are speaking and listening. Listening, really listening, requires curiosity. With practice, you can learn to listen with curiosity and to deal with any blaming, judgmental or defensive thoughts that may arise as your spouse speaks to you. Author and spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle refers to these negative reactions as an unconscious virus eating away at our spirit – our” pain-body.” It is aligned with our “little ego” – the part of our “mind” that developed early in life to protect us from pain. This “mind-pain-body” lurks in all of us and serves to separate us from others, and can interfere with the way we communicate in our relationships.
The first step in effective listening is to become aware of our little ego or mind-pain-body. Spend a few days or weeks noticing how you listen in all your conversations. Continue observing your listening habits until you see the role of your little ego in your listening. Notice what is going through your mind. Are you thinking about the next thing you’ll say? Do you sense some anguish in the speaker and want to make it better? Are you judging the speaker or anyone or anything the speaker is saying to you? Do you conclude there is a clear “right” or “wrong” answer to the situation the speaker is describing as they speak? All these places your mind goes to – interrupting, judging, fixing, evaluating, and many more – arise out of the little ego. It is always working even when someone else is speaking
The result is that you never hear what the other person is saying. You may have an impression of what was said, but it’s only what the little ego wants you to remember. How many times has your spouse admonished you for not hearing what was said? Sometimes there are assumptions and subtle evaluations built into your listening like, “Gee, I’ve heard this before” and “Oh God, I’m in trouble!” Whenever you tap into the vast reservoir of assumptions contained within you, you stop listening. Any time you judge, want to fix or interrupt, evaluate or take sides, you have stopped listening. If you aren’t listening to your spouse, how will you be able to listen to your children, your boss, the news, or a clerk at the grocery store?
It takes practice to get the ego out of the way so you can hear what anyone is saying to you. At first, just become aware of it and practice becoming curious instead. Practice with your spouse, someone who will greatly appreciate your efforts. The most tried and true method of listening is to sit, face-to-face with your spouse and have them tell you about anything, such as what would be their ideal vacation. Let your spouse talk without interrupting them. Then repeat back what they said. Your spouse can then add anything you omitted or correct any misunderstanding you had right then and there. You cannot help but be curious when you need to repeat what someone said back to them.
You may not get the impact of this kind of listening until you reverse places. Have your spouse listen to you and gain understanding of what you think and feel about the same subject. Afterward, notice that you will feel heard, really heard. That’s what went on with your spouse, too. You will also begin to feel safer in saying what is on your mind.
When leading couples in this exercise just to practice the procedure, I notice that the listener often interrupts the speaker (against the instructions) with some type of response prior to the speaker finishing. This can be viewed as an enticement to further revealing your thoughts or a barrier. It can go either way. Avoid any interruption. It’s good practice.
Listening without assuming, fixing, taking sides, judging and evaluating is very hard to do. It is harder the more your mind pain-body controls your life. Become aware of the little ego and consciously move toward curiosity. Listening in this way brings you close to who you really are – a caring, understanding presence in your spouse’s life. Course 1 offered at www.thecenterformarriage.com focuses on listening.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Trust and Commitment
Kathy and John have a GREAT marriage. They exude equality, practice transparency, both have their basic needs met and each is capable of receiving love. They also have high levels of trust and commitment. They have made their 18-year marriage a safe place – a sanctuary. It is not a stretch to say that the moments they have together as husband and wife and parents are sacred. It is the way they learned to trust and how they have committed to each other that have made their marriage GREAT.
When Kathy and John first met, they spent hours and days revealing who they were, warts and all, and what was important to them. It was a good match of interests and soon developed into loving attraction. They describe it as a “primal connection.” They each realized that life was sending things their way that were unexpected, unplanned and uncontrollable. When Kathy saw John sitting by a river for hours, she wondered what it was all about. John said he would meditate outdoors. He explained to her that it was “hard to get to know the river.” It was his way of saying that everything was continually changing and he didn’t really know anything except what was within him – his spirit.
It was John and Kathy’s acceptance of the inexorability of change that allowed them to develop trust and commitment in their relationship. Most of us learned to trust others because our parents provided food and care when we demanded it. If we carry this same expectation for others to meet our needs into adulthood, we look for a mate that is as trustworthy as we needed our parents to be. This childish craving then becomes our expectation of our partner’s behavior in adulthood. It is really a form of control. We crave for our partner to do the “right” thing all the time so we do not have to face any unpleasant feelings and circumstances where our needs aren’t being fulfilled.
Kathy and John realized that trust comes from within each of us, a concept therapist, speaker and author David Richo often addresses. We trust ourselves to be able to receive the love, consideration, trustworthiness and attention given to us by our partner and to love them back. We also understand that each of us is fallible. We trust ourselves to handle our partner’s betrayals (infidelity, unreliability, falsehoods, inattention, etc.) when they arise. Trust is bolstered when spouses feel safe in fully revealing themselves to the other. Trust is enhanced when you know your spouse accepts you being who you truly are in every moment. Trust is not placing your heart, your feelings and your happiness in someone else’s hands. It is, instead, a sacred bond with yourself, a conscious, spiritual knowing that you are great just the way you are, that you can handle whatever comes up and that you will be understood by your spouse. If you trust yourself, you will receive trustworthiness in return. You do not have to prove anything to your spouse to obtain trust.
The same is true of commitment. If you are committed to openly pursuing self-growth and personal healing and engage your spouse in the process, you will create an ally. Commitment is the act of turning toward your partner in all matters day after day. The bond between John and Kathy is so strong that they do not have a negative word for each other even though each admits to their own struggles and fears. It shows in how they relate to their children and, in turn, how their children relate to everyone.
Kathy and John have what some would call “mature love.” Mature love is unconditional. By that I mean the total acknowledgement of the uncontrollable nature of what is. Seeing life as it really is in each moment and the recognition that the river is “hard to know” is what allowed them to merge their deep love for each other into a mature love. This is not the typical way people look at love, trust and commitment. Some people think we need to have a spotless record of honesty and fidelity to demonstrate love and to be worthy of trust and commitment. The truth is we all are tempted to conceal and cheat to make ourselves look good. When we are open to our temptations in front of our partners, we reveal the degree of love, trust and commitment we are prepared to give. We will receive the same in return.
Neither Kathy nor John is free of fears and expectations. They just don’t let them run their lives. They trust themselves and are deeply committed to the principles of a GREAT marriage.
When Kathy and John first met, they spent hours and days revealing who they were, warts and all, and what was important to them. It was a good match of interests and soon developed into loving attraction. They describe it as a “primal connection.” They each realized that life was sending things their way that were unexpected, unplanned and uncontrollable. When Kathy saw John sitting by a river for hours, she wondered what it was all about. John said he would meditate outdoors. He explained to her that it was “hard to get to know the river.” It was his way of saying that everything was continually changing and he didn’t really know anything except what was within him – his spirit.
It was John and Kathy’s acceptance of the inexorability of change that allowed them to develop trust and commitment in their relationship. Most of us learned to trust others because our parents provided food and care when we demanded it. If we carry this same expectation for others to meet our needs into adulthood, we look for a mate that is as trustworthy as we needed our parents to be. This childish craving then becomes our expectation of our partner’s behavior in adulthood. It is really a form of control. We crave for our partner to do the “right” thing all the time so we do not have to face any unpleasant feelings and circumstances where our needs aren’t being fulfilled.
Kathy and John realized that trust comes from within each of us, a concept therapist, speaker and author David Richo often addresses. We trust ourselves to be able to receive the love, consideration, trustworthiness and attention given to us by our partner and to love them back. We also understand that each of us is fallible. We trust ourselves to handle our partner’s betrayals (infidelity, unreliability, falsehoods, inattention, etc.) when they arise. Trust is bolstered when spouses feel safe in fully revealing themselves to the other. Trust is enhanced when you know your spouse accepts you being who you truly are in every moment. Trust is not placing your heart, your feelings and your happiness in someone else’s hands. It is, instead, a sacred bond with yourself, a conscious, spiritual knowing that you are great just the way you are, that you can handle whatever comes up and that you will be understood by your spouse. If you trust yourself, you will receive trustworthiness in return. You do not have to prove anything to your spouse to obtain trust.
The same is true of commitment. If you are committed to openly pursuing self-growth and personal healing and engage your spouse in the process, you will create an ally. Commitment is the act of turning toward your partner in all matters day after day. The bond between John and Kathy is so strong that they do not have a negative word for each other even though each admits to their own struggles and fears. It shows in how they relate to their children and, in turn, how their children relate to everyone.
Kathy and John have what some would call “mature love.” Mature love is unconditional. By that I mean the total acknowledgement of the uncontrollable nature of what is. Seeing life as it really is in each moment and the recognition that the river is “hard to know” is what allowed them to merge their deep love for each other into a mature love. This is not the typical way people look at love, trust and commitment. Some people think we need to have a spotless record of honesty and fidelity to demonstrate love and to be worthy of trust and commitment. The truth is we all are tempted to conceal and cheat to make ourselves look good. When we are open to our temptations in front of our partners, we reveal the degree of love, trust and commitment we are prepared to give. We will receive the same in return.
Neither Kathy nor John is free of fears and expectations. They just don’t let them run their lives. They trust themselves and are deeply committed to the principles of a GREAT marriage.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Making a Marriage Great
A marriage is like a garden. Each partner brings many types of seeds to the marriage. The ones that bloom into beautiful flowers are to be nurtured. But there are inevitably weeds there, too. They need to be watched and dealt with – eradicated really -- so that the beauty of the garden can be enjoyed rather than eventually overwhelmed by aggressive weeds. GREAT marriages are like a lovingly tended garden. The attentive gardener sees and handles the weeds long before they take hold and choke out the garden’s beauty.
There are, at least, four flowers to nurture and cultivate in your marriage:
1. Equality
2. Transparency
3. Basic Needs
4. Receiving Love
Equality is where each spouse is as important as the other. It is the acceptance, enjoyment and enthusiasm by both parties for who the other person truly is. It means that neither partner wants to change the other. It is the absence or quick recognition and correction of controlling and manipulative behaviors. It is the absence or quick recognition and correction of judging, blaming and any other thoughts that separate one party from the other. We will see in later posts how to deal with the “weeds” that obscure equality. Please note that complete equality is probably never achieved since new weeds crop up all the time as some of the seeds sewn in earlier years are slow to germinate.
Transparency is the willingness to freely reveal to your partner what you are all about. Openness can be difficult since we have learned during our lifetimes to cover up some things and withhold parts of ourselves in order to protect ourselves from ridicule and criticism. In practice, transparency is the gradual and continuous opening up to our partners – an everlasting blooming, if you will. We, and everything around us, are changing in subtle ways. The challenge is to be open to change and to continue revealing who we are becoming. Consider your partner to be a stranger each day and give them room to reveal who they are becoming. Transparency is a key building block to intimacy. Transparency is a constantly evolving process of digging deeper into who we really are.
Understanding your partner’s basic need to feel loved was discussed in depth in the previous post as a key element of a great relationship. The genuine gift to your spouse of their need to feel loved in their special ways creates a GREAT marriage. While it is unreasonable to expect you to meet your spouse’s basic need for love 100% of the time, the point is to meet that need as often as possible. Sharing freely with one another what makes you each feel loved and giving that to the other as often as possible is a vital part of building intimacy in relationship. If you each feel secure in the fulfillment of your basic needs, you will be free to reveal things that make you feel unloved without blaming, judgment or resentment. The seed of divorce is sewn by withholding love and holding onto blame, judgment and the sense of self-righteousness. A great marriage is characterized by each partner’s ability to understand, communicate and give freely genuine expressions of dissatisfaction and for both the experience of joyful fulfillment of basic needs.
Receiving love that is freely given is the other building block to intimacy. It sounds simple – the act of receiving love – but it is not. You bring your own seeds to relationships that inhibit your ability to recognize and receive love from another person. These seeds look for a certain type of love that you didn’t get earlier in life. When you fall in love, you are sometimes fooled into believing that you can get what you missed out on earlier from your spouse. These are really weeds of expectation. You think these weeds are flowers. In effect, you unconsciously expect your partner to be something they are not and to give you something they cannot. Digging up and disposing of this seed of expectation allows you to plant and cultivate the flower of being curious about the true nature of your partner and not what you project them to be. This knowledge becomes food for thought. You clear the way for a deep, conscious relationship. It also means that you allow your partner to lovingly mirror who you are in those times (and they come often for most of us) when you are not being true to who you really are in your actions and deeds. If you can allow your spouse to influence your life without feeling hurt or seeing their comments as criticism or judgment, then you are receiving love kindly and your marriage can be GREAT!
As all four flowers of GREAT marriages grow, their roots intertwine to support the well-being of the entire garden. I offer courses on all these flower. See www.thecenterformarriage.com for more information.
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