How Do You Feel Loved?

Love is the common denominator in all marriages. Is love a fragile thing? I would say so after witnessing so many angry divorces among people who once loved each other deeply. It appears love is hard to sustain in the United States since the divorce rate has been near 50% for many years. Love is also harder to come by these days. Even as the divorce rate has stayed steady, the percentage of households headed by a married couple is in decline.

The good news is there is an active Marriage Education movement designed to help couples HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE. A great deal of information on courses and training that are available can be found at http://www.smartmarriages.com/. Government funding of The Marriage Initiative supports some of these programs, even some faith-based initiatives. Yet, as I noted in the previous post, it is difficult to get couples to take advantage of all that is out there for them. In fact, individuals spend more in this country on match-making than on keeping married matches intact.

I don’t know why it is difficult for couples to choose to avail themselves of marriage support in a timely way, well before difficulties become large problems and love turns into resentment and anger. Groups and people offering courses and training for married couples spend a sizable portion of their funds on ad campaigns just to get people to come to meetings and see what is being offered. These courses do not have full enrollment.

I know that some of the couples I work with and teach have let things go too far. I find that I am often dealing with two intransigent egos rather than a couple interested in having a better relationship. As an educator and professional nudge, in any case I tend to go back to square one and ask, “How do you feel loved?” If there is one basic need in your relationship, it is to feel loved. I have found this is a hard question, so I let them know how I discovered my own answer.

It took me quite a while to realize that I feel loved in the company of someone who will stay with me while we talk, or watch a movie or play a game. By the word stay I mean they simply are not going anywhere and this fills me with love. I know I’m loved when there is this natural, easy, timelessness with my partner. I cannot tell you exactly when this recognizable love first happened during my life. I know it had to be in childhood and it was someone special to me, probably my mother. She was great at staying.

In a great marriage, I want someone to meet my need for love as often as possible. As an active partner in a great marriage, I can meet most, if not all, of my other needs. In past relationships, I did feel loved. What I failed to notice and ask for was the specific need I had to feel love – this staying activity. I got it, but only by accident. It was not an agreed upon aspect of any past relationship and I was not conscious of this need.

It is extremely helpful to learn how you feel love and to let your partner know. For sure, you had it with them at some point. A marriage will thrive if that basic need is being met. If your partner ever withholds it, then you know there is a problem to address and adjustments to be made. Withholding of affection comes way before resentment sets in. Making your need for love known to yourself and your partner will only make it easier to deal with any new hurdles that come your way.

So how do you feel loved? I offer a course on this subject. See www.thecenterformarriage.com for more information.