Nudging Karl

We all bury the truth about ourselves and we have no idea we are doing it. This is normal. It is also painful. We can learn to access our truth if we take action to reveal one or more of the multitude of stories we have created that serve to conceal from us our true selves. To understand what I am talking about, let me use the example of a friend who just recently discovered a truth about himself that he had been denying for years.
Karl acts “fiercely” independent. I say “fiercely” because he acted this way on everything in his life and it brought him no joy whatsoever. He did not ask for help at work or at home. On occasion he would ask close friends for help, but only if he had helped that person several times prior to his request for assistance. He did not want to be a burden or a bother to anyone. He did not like that about himself nor did he like it in others. He shunned friends who were “too needy.”
I had told Karl that I had always seen myself as being married until a few years ago when I realized I needed to give myself more attention so I could fulfill most of my needs all by myself. I told him that I was now so much better in relationships since I could fulfill most of my needs and looked to have a few important ones fulfilled in relationships.
Karl started to question his approach to relationships and then honed in on himself. I nudged him to notice how afraid he was and how his ego was dragging him through crises. Karl noticed that he, too, was needy. Then something hit him strongly. He realized that, since childhood, he had lived with a dream that someone would take care of him and life would be great thereafter. It was painful for him to acknowledge this dream existed within him because it wasn’t at all the image he portrayed to others and himself. He was shaken by this realization for many days.
I told him, based upon my experience, that when he was a child, dependent upon others, he wanted someone (most likely his parents) to help him and they did not. It could have been inadvertent on his parent’s part or it could have been the way they were. It likely happened several times at an early age so his desire to be helped went unheeded. For him it was a serious loss then and turned into an unconscious yearning for help now. Consciously, he learned to fend for himself because others did not or perhaps he was encouraged to take care of himself by pre-occupied parents. He learned to be independent. The message he carried with him was “I am not loved because my needs aren’t being met and no will meet them so I must do it for myself, damn them all.” So he carried into adulthood two different images of himself: the independent actor and the helpless child. Both of them are false and unlovable.
I needed to nudge him again. It's what I do (see http://www.thecenterformarriage.com/). I told him that he could go into therapy to try to come to grips with the lacking in his childhood or he could mourn the loss of what appears to be a desperate need for help and love when he was young. I told him he didn’t get it then and would not get what it was he wanted then as an adult. So it was necessary to mourn the loss as completely as possible. To be clear, it is the mourning of that child-like intense desire for missing love that needs to be mourned as not ever coming to fruition. It cannot be given now because it was only needed then.
As he listened to my nudge, he seemed to lighten a little. He was stunned to realize that he only acted at being independent when he was not free to be that way at all. He fought hard to be separate from others, but he sensed he was really a [art of the whole. I told him separateness was a source of conflict that affected him and all of his relationships. He looked down on dependent, clinging, needy people because he did not like that about himself. Even though he developed a mask of independence, the deep down yearning had a different source. Something in him was lacking because he didn’t get the love and attention he needed as a child. Children see things as their fault. It is the blaming that must go away with the mourning.
Mourning takes time. Once the loss has been brought into the light, it can be mourned. The loss of a dream is not easy to shake. It recurs and each time it must be mourned as lost. At the same time, there is an unraveling of the image of fierce independence. It is a complex, layered protection device the ego has been erecting for years. It has touched every part of your being. The ego reacts to losses by creating a whole set of beliefs, assumptions and expectations about how life must proceed. The mourning is a start, but it is the least of the work Karl must do.
Because of the loss and the images and stories the ego has erected, Karl has not been in touch with what actually is happening in each moment. He has been experiencing only those things that comport with his beliefs and his feeling of loss. He has been elsewhere, meaning he does not see the reality of his life clearly as it happens.
In addition to the mourning (the definite loss and not “maybe” a loss) he has to also start seeing what actually is in a curious way. Observing life without active judgment, expectations, beliefs, prejudices, goals, plans, assumptions and the like must be practiced along with the mourning activity.
The only way I have experienced to get to what actually is going on in life is to be aware of what pops up as I go from one thing to the other. Typically some sort of ego-driven machination will show up (judgment, expectation, belief, etc.) that will put me in reactive mode. To get back into life, Karl needs to notice what comes up, consciously ask it to abide his experiment with something new and give life a new shot. It is quite amazing to me to see that each new chance to open into awareness must be followed by a practice of getting into the moment in order to make a change in who I am becoming.

Where Neglect Comes From

I ain’t got no book learnin’ about psychology and emotional stuff. I only can relate my own experiences, the experiences of friends, the experiences of those who I have worked with and the people I observe from day-to-day. In my own experience of a failed marriage, I can clearly say, “I didn’t see it coming.” In watching other marriages fail, I sensed that these failures, as well as mine, were due to neglect.
I have been “listening” for a few years for neglect in relationships. I had accumulated a jumble of observations that did not reveal to me the nature of neglect and how it works. The pieces came together for me during an Episcopal Church service. The service had a script – God’s Word – and there was no deviation from it. The Word extolled a single system of belief in Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit and the Father.
As I listened to the service, I became aware of my own past penchant to treat the world as deterministic – understandable and predictable, really. I sense that this belief kept me in a trance, listening only for things that I could make understandable and were predictable from a logical thought pattern I had developed.
I developed this way of thinking so I could get to where I was going – a financially successful person, a good parent, with a home, a wife and a stable, calm existence. I was constantly striving to attain this success, I guess because it was so elusive or because I wanted to maintain the appearance of having it all.
As a result of being elsewhere with my thoughts, I was not aware of the things that were happening around me. I was also not open to making changes or even to recognize change as it occurred around me. By focusing on attaining something not in my grasp (yet sure it was within my reach), I was not in touch with others or with myself.
We don’t choose neglect directly. It happens when we are pre-occupied with being something other than what we are. I now have faith that I am, at my core, a perfectly formed person (in God’s image). I can be anywhere and listen to this part of me that was unavailable when I was in a trance. Awakening from trance is a vital part of the work we do at http://www.thecenterformarriage.com/.
I enjoy the uncertainty of life now because I know I don’t know as yet who I am in my fullness and richness. I am more cognizant of the emotional quality of my life as I take action in the various aspects of it. I am learning about my self in relationship with others and in a special, intimate relationship where my fullness of spirit is readily accessed and revealed to me.
Yet, I can back lapse into the trance – as we all can. Life is about remembering and forgetting. When I start listening again, I can notice neglect and be open to all that might be there right in front of my nose whether understandable or not. It brings me to a place of freedom where I get in touch to that God within. It ends when I forget by tricking myself into believing things are predictable. Then I remember to listen.
As I age, the periods of forgetting diminish in length until I see the beauty in life again.

Listening to Your Spouse

Marital therapists often focus on communication styles when couples need some help, but what is most important in doing this work is where you come from when you are speaking and listening. Listening, really listening, requires curiosity. With practice, you can learn to listen with curiosity and to deal with any blaming, judgmental or defensive thoughts that may arise as your spouse speaks to you. Author and spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle refers to these negative reactions as an unconscious virus eating away at our spirit – our” pain-body.” It is aligned with our “little ego” – the part of our “mind” that developed early in life to protect us from pain. This “mind-pain-body” lurks in all of us and serves to separate us from others, and can interfere with the way we communicate in our relationships.

The first step in effective listening is to become aware of our little ego or mind-pain-body. Spend a few days or weeks noticing how you listen in all your conversations. Continue observing your listening habits until you see the role of your little ego in your listening. Notice what is going through your mind. Are you thinking about the next thing you’ll say? Do you sense some anguish in the speaker and want to make it better? Are you judging the speaker or anyone or anything the speaker is saying to you? Do you conclude there is a clear “right” or “wrong” answer to the situation the speaker is describing as they speak? All these places your mind goes to – interrupting, judging, fixing, evaluating, and many more – arise out of the little ego. It is always working even when someone else is speaking

The result is that you never hear what the other person is saying. You may have an impression of what was said, but it’s only what the little ego wants you to remember. How many times has your spouse admonished you for not hearing what was said? Sometimes there are assumptions and subtle evaluations built into your listening like, “Gee, I’ve heard this before” and “Oh God, I’m in trouble!” Whenever you tap into the vast reservoir of assumptions contained within you, you stop listening. Any time you judge, want to fix or interrupt, evaluate or take sides, you have stopped listening. If you aren’t listening to your spouse, how will you be able to listen to your children, your boss, the news, or a clerk at the grocery store?

It takes practice to get the ego out of the way so you can hear what anyone is saying to you. At first, just become aware of it and practice becoming curious instead. Practice with your spouse, someone who will greatly appreciate your efforts. The most tried and true method of listening is to sit, face-to-face with your spouse and have them tell you about anything, such as what would be their ideal vacation. Let your spouse talk without interrupting them. Then repeat back what they said. Your spouse can then add anything you omitted or correct any misunderstanding you had right then and there. You cannot help but be curious when you need to repeat what someone said back to them.

You may not get the impact of this kind of listening until you reverse places. Have your spouse listen to you and gain understanding of what you think and feel about the same subject. Afterward, notice that you will feel heard, really heard. That’s what went on with your spouse, too. You will also begin to feel safer in saying what is on your mind.

When leading couples in this exercise just to practice the procedure, I notice that the listener often interrupts the speaker (against the instructions) with some type of response prior to the speaker finishing. This can be viewed as an enticement to further revealing your thoughts or a barrier. It can go either way. Avoid any interruption. It’s good practice.

Listening without assuming, fixing, taking sides, judging and evaluating is very hard to do. It is harder the more your mind pain-body controls your life. Become aware of the little ego and consciously move toward curiosity. Listening in this way brings you close to who you really are – a caring, understanding presence in your spouse’s life. Course 1 offered at www.thecenterformarriage.com focuses on listening.

Trust and Commitment

Kathy and John have a GREAT marriage. They exude equality, practice transparency, both have their basic needs met and each is capable of receiving love. They also have high levels of trust and commitment. They have made their 18-year marriage a safe place – a sanctuary. It is not a stretch to say that the moments they have together as husband and wife and parents are sacred. It is the way they learned to trust and how they have committed to each other that have made their marriage GREAT.

When Kathy and John first met, they spent hours and days revealing who they were, warts and all, and what was important to them. It was a good match of interests and soon developed into loving attraction. They describe it as a “primal connection.” They each realized that life was sending things their way that were unexpected, unplanned and uncontrollable. When Kathy saw John sitting by a river for hours, she wondered what it was all about. John said he would meditate outdoors. He explained to her that it was “hard to get to know the river.” It was his way of saying that everything was continually changing and he didn’t really know anything except what was within him – his spirit.

It was John and Kathy’s acceptance of the inexorability of change that allowed them to develop trust and commitment in their relationship. Most of us learned to trust others because our parents provided food and care when we demanded it. If we carry this same expectation for others to meet our needs into adulthood, we look for a mate that is as trustworthy as we needed our parents to be. This childish craving then becomes our expectation of our partner’s behavior in adulthood. It is really a form of control. We crave for our partner to do the “right” thing all the time so we do not have to face any unpleasant feelings and circumstances where our needs aren’t being fulfilled.

Kathy and John realized that trust comes from within each of us, a concept therapist, speaker and author David Richo often addresses. We trust ourselves to be able to receive the love, consideration, trustworthiness and attention given to us by our partner and to love them back. We also understand that each of us is fallible. We trust ourselves to handle our partner’s betrayals (infidelity, unreliability, falsehoods, inattention, etc.) when they arise. Trust is bolstered when spouses feel safe in fully revealing themselves to the other. Trust is enhanced when you know your spouse accepts you being who you truly are in every moment. Trust is not placing your heart, your feelings and your happiness in someone else’s hands. It is, instead, a sacred bond with yourself, a conscious, spiritual knowing that you are great just the way you are, that you can handle whatever comes up and that you will be understood by your spouse. If you trust yourself, you will receive trustworthiness in return. You do not have to prove anything to your spouse to obtain trust.

The same is true of commitment. If you are committed to openly pursuing self-growth and personal healing and engage your spouse in the process, you will create an ally. Commitment is the act of turning toward your partner in all matters day after day. The bond between John and Kathy is so strong that they do not have a negative word for each other even though each admits to their own struggles and fears. It shows in how they relate to their children and, in turn, how their children relate to everyone.

Kathy and John have what some would call “mature love.” Mature love is unconditional. By that I mean the total acknowledgement of the uncontrollable nature of what is. Seeing life as it really is in each moment and the recognition that the river is “hard to know” is what allowed them to merge their deep love for each other into a mature love. This is not the typical way people look at love, trust and commitment. Some people think we need to have a spotless record of honesty and fidelity to demonstrate love and to be worthy of trust and commitment. The truth is we all are tempted to conceal and cheat to make ourselves look good. When we are open to our temptations in front of our partners, we reveal the degree of love, trust and commitment we are prepared to give. We will receive the same in return.

Neither Kathy nor John is free of fears and expectations. They just don’t let them run their lives. They trust themselves and are deeply committed to the principles of a GREAT marriage.