We all bury the truth about ourselves and we have no idea we are doing it. This is normal. It is also painful. We can learn to access our truth if we take action to reveal one or more of the multitude of stories we have created that serve to conceal from us our true selves. To understand what I am talking about, let me use the example of a friend who just recently discovered a truth about himself that he had been denying for years.
Karl acts “fiercely” independent. I say “fiercely” because he acted this way on everything in his life and it brought him no joy whatsoever. He did not ask for help at work or at home. On occasion he would ask close friends for help, but only if he had helped that person several times prior to his request for assistance. He did not want to be a burden or a bother to anyone. He did not like that about himself nor did he like it in others. He shunned friends who were “too needy.”
I had told Karl that I had always seen myself as being married until a few years ago when I realized I needed to give myself more attention so I could fulfill most of my needs all by myself. I told him that I was now so much better in relationships since I could fulfill most of my needs and looked to have a few important ones fulfilled in relationships.
Karl started to question his approach to relationships and then honed in on himself. I nudged him to notice how afraid he was and how his ego was dragging him through crises. Karl noticed that he, too, was needy. Then something hit him strongly. He realized that, since childhood, he had lived with a dream that someone would take care of him and life would be great thereafter. It was painful for him to acknowledge this dream existed within him because it wasn’t at all the image he portrayed to others and himself. He was shaken by this realization for many days.
I told him, based upon my experience, that when he was a child, dependent upon others, he wanted someone (most likely his parents) to help him and they did not. It could have been inadvertent on his parent’s part or it could have been the way they were. It likely happened several times at an early age so his desire to be helped went unheeded. For him it was a serious loss then and turned into an unconscious yearning for help now. Consciously, he learned to fend for himself because others did not or perhaps he was encouraged to take care of himself by pre-occupied parents. He learned to be independent. The message he carried with him was “I am not loved because my needs aren’t being met and no will meet them so I must do it for myself, damn them all.” So he carried into adulthood two different images of himself: the independent actor and the helpless child. Both of them are false and unlovable.
I needed to nudge him again. It's what I do (see http://www.thecenterformarriage.com/). I told him that he could go into therapy to try to come to grips with the lacking in his childhood or he could mourn the loss of what appears to be a desperate need for help and love when he was young. I told him he didn’t get it then and would not get what it was he wanted then as an adult. So it was necessary to mourn the loss as completely as possible. To be clear, it is the mourning of that child-like intense desire for missing love that needs to be mourned as not ever coming to fruition. It cannot be given now because it was only needed then.
As he listened to my nudge, he seemed to lighten a little. He was stunned to realize that he only acted at being independent when he was not free to be that way at all. He fought hard to be separate from others, but he sensed he was really a [art of the whole. I told him separateness was a source of conflict that affected him and all of his relationships. He looked down on dependent, clinging, needy people because he did not like that about himself. Even though he developed a mask of independence, the deep down yearning had a different source. Something in him was lacking because he didn’t get the love and attention he needed as a child. Children see things as their fault. It is the blaming that must go away with the mourning.
Mourning takes time. Once the loss has been brought into the light, it can be mourned. The loss of a dream is not easy to shake. It recurs and each time it must be mourned as lost. At the same time, there is an unraveling of the image of fierce independence. It is a complex, layered protection device the ego has been erecting for years. It has touched every part of your being. The ego reacts to losses by creating a whole set of beliefs, assumptions and expectations about how life must proceed. The mourning is a start, but it is the least of the work Karl must do.
Because of the loss and the images and stories the ego has erected, Karl has not been in touch with what actually is happening in each moment. He has been experiencing only those things that comport with his beliefs and his feeling of loss. He has been elsewhere, meaning he does not see the reality of his life clearly as it happens.
In addition to the mourning (the definite loss and not “maybe” a loss) he has to also start seeing what actually is in a curious way. Observing life without active judgment, expectations, beliefs, prejudices, goals, plans, assumptions and the like must be practiced along with the mourning activity.
The only way I have experienced to get to what actually is going on in life is to be aware of what pops up as I go from one thing to the other. Typically some sort of ego-driven machination will show up (judgment, expectation, belief, etc.) that will put me in reactive mode. To get back into life, Karl needs to notice what comes up, consciously ask it to abide his experiment with something new and give life a new shot. It is quite amazing to me to see that each new chance to open into awareness must be followed by a practice of getting into the moment in order to make a change in who I am becoming.
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Friday, August 8, 2008
Trust and Commitment
Kathy and John have a GREAT marriage. They exude equality, practice transparency, both have their basic needs met and each is capable of receiving love. They also have high levels of trust and commitment. They have made their 18-year marriage a safe place – a sanctuary. It is not a stretch to say that the moments they have together as husband and wife and parents are sacred. It is the way they learned to trust and how they have committed to each other that have made their marriage GREAT.
When Kathy and John first met, they spent hours and days revealing who they were, warts and all, and what was important to them. It was a good match of interests and soon developed into loving attraction. They describe it as a “primal connection.” They each realized that life was sending things their way that were unexpected, unplanned and uncontrollable. When Kathy saw John sitting by a river for hours, she wondered what it was all about. John said he would meditate outdoors. He explained to her that it was “hard to get to know the river.” It was his way of saying that everything was continually changing and he didn’t really know anything except what was within him – his spirit.
It was John and Kathy’s acceptance of the inexorability of change that allowed them to develop trust and commitment in their relationship. Most of us learned to trust others because our parents provided food and care when we demanded it. If we carry this same expectation for others to meet our needs into adulthood, we look for a mate that is as trustworthy as we needed our parents to be. This childish craving then becomes our expectation of our partner’s behavior in adulthood. It is really a form of control. We crave for our partner to do the “right” thing all the time so we do not have to face any unpleasant feelings and circumstances where our needs aren’t being fulfilled.
Kathy and John realized that trust comes from within each of us, a concept therapist, speaker and author David Richo often addresses. We trust ourselves to be able to receive the love, consideration, trustworthiness and attention given to us by our partner and to love them back. We also understand that each of us is fallible. We trust ourselves to handle our partner’s betrayals (infidelity, unreliability, falsehoods, inattention, etc.) when they arise. Trust is bolstered when spouses feel safe in fully revealing themselves to the other. Trust is enhanced when you know your spouse accepts you being who you truly are in every moment. Trust is not placing your heart, your feelings and your happiness in someone else’s hands. It is, instead, a sacred bond with yourself, a conscious, spiritual knowing that you are great just the way you are, that you can handle whatever comes up and that you will be understood by your spouse. If you trust yourself, you will receive trustworthiness in return. You do not have to prove anything to your spouse to obtain trust.
The same is true of commitment. If you are committed to openly pursuing self-growth and personal healing and engage your spouse in the process, you will create an ally. Commitment is the act of turning toward your partner in all matters day after day. The bond between John and Kathy is so strong that they do not have a negative word for each other even though each admits to their own struggles and fears. It shows in how they relate to their children and, in turn, how their children relate to everyone.
Kathy and John have what some would call “mature love.” Mature love is unconditional. By that I mean the total acknowledgement of the uncontrollable nature of what is. Seeing life as it really is in each moment and the recognition that the river is “hard to know” is what allowed them to merge their deep love for each other into a mature love. This is not the typical way people look at love, trust and commitment. Some people think we need to have a spotless record of honesty and fidelity to demonstrate love and to be worthy of trust and commitment. The truth is we all are tempted to conceal and cheat to make ourselves look good. When we are open to our temptations in front of our partners, we reveal the degree of love, trust and commitment we are prepared to give. We will receive the same in return.
Neither Kathy nor John is free of fears and expectations. They just don’t let them run their lives. They trust themselves and are deeply committed to the principles of a GREAT marriage.
When Kathy and John first met, they spent hours and days revealing who they were, warts and all, and what was important to them. It was a good match of interests and soon developed into loving attraction. They describe it as a “primal connection.” They each realized that life was sending things their way that were unexpected, unplanned and uncontrollable. When Kathy saw John sitting by a river for hours, she wondered what it was all about. John said he would meditate outdoors. He explained to her that it was “hard to get to know the river.” It was his way of saying that everything was continually changing and he didn’t really know anything except what was within him – his spirit.
It was John and Kathy’s acceptance of the inexorability of change that allowed them to develop trust and commitment in their relationship. Most of us learned to trust others because our parents provided food and care when we demanded it. If we carry this same expectation for others to meet our needs into adulthood, we look for a mate that is as trustworthy as we needed our parents to be. This childish craving then becomes our expectation of our partner’s behavior in adulthood. It is really a form of control. We crave for our partner to do the “right” thing all the time so we do not have to face any unpleasant feelings and circumstances where our needs aren’t being fulfilled.
Kathy and John realized that trust comes from within each of us, a concept therapist, speaker and author David Richo often addresses. We trust ourselves to be able to receive the love, consideration, trustworthiness and attention given to us by our partner and to love them back. We also understand that each of us is fallible. We trust ourselves to handle our partner’s betrayals (infidelity, unreliability, falsehoods, inattention, etc.) when they arise. Trust is bolstered when spouses feel safe in fully revealing themselves to the other. Trust is enhanced when you know your spouse accepts you being who you truly are in every moment. Trust is not placing your heart, your feelings and your happiness in someone else’s hands. It is, instead, a sacred bond with yourself, a conscious, spiritual knowing that you are great just the way you are, that you can handle whatever comes up and that you will be understood by your spouse. If you trust yourself, you will receive trustworthiness in return. You do not have to prove anything to your spouse to obtain trust.
The same is true of commitment. If you are committed to openly pursuing self-growth and personal healing and engage your spouse in the process, you will create an ally. Commitment is the act of turning toward your partner in all matters day after day. The bond between John and Kathy is so strong that they do not have a negative word for each other even though each admits to their own struggles and fears. It shows in how they relate to their children and, in turn, how their children relate to everyone.
Kathy and John have what some would call “mature love.” Mature love is unconditional. By that I mean the total acknowledgement of the uncontrollable nature of what is. Seeing life as it really is in each moment and the recognition that the river is “hard to know” is what allowed them to merge their deep love for each other into a mature love. This is not the typical way people look at love, trust and commitment. Some people think we need to have a spotless record of honesty and fidelity to demonstrate love and to be worthy of trust and commitment. The truth is we all are tempted to conceal and cheat to make ourselves look good. When we are open to our temptations in front of our partners, we reveal the degree of love, trust and commitment we are prepared to give. We will receive the same in return.
Neither Kathy nor John is free of fears and expectations. They just don’t let them run their lives. They trust themselves and are deeply committed to the principles of a GREAT marriage.
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