I Don't Know Anything

Have you ever wondered how intelligent, well-educated, hard-working, fun-loving people get into relationships and have no clue what they are doing? Well, I think they think they know what they are doing, but it doesn’t turn out so well. So I must confess I didn’t used to do very well in relationships. This has happened to me several times: I thought all I had to do was to be devoted to the person I was with, adhere to certain principles of fair play and to try to fit into the situation the best that I could and be helpful and useful. Let me say that this worked for several years in the two major relationships in my life, but each one ended after 16 years. In the aftermath of both relationships I was just running on empty having given all I could for many years and had nothing to show for it. I thought I knew everything, but actually had nothing. I was hurt and in pain.

After the second lost relationship, I looked back a bit at these painful endings wanting to find out what went wrong and I asked the most important question of my life: “What was the common denominator in these relationships?” The answer was, “Me!” But how did I manage to tear up these relationships? What could I change? Would I ever be loved again? Would I ever want to love again?

The answer I sought came to me in a series of encounters. I had been working with couples on money issues to help them act together on spending, saving and earning matters. With all of them, we hit some barriers that could not be overcome. So I started working with couples on their relationships, in general, to see what contributed to their difficulties in coming to agreement on money and anything else they struggled with. I was also seeing a counselor trying to heal the pain I was feeling over the last failed relationship. She helped me open to many possible explanations of why things did not work. At the same time, I was working with a wonderfully grounded coach who reflected back to me what she had heard from me. She let me know clearly and also in subtle ways who I was and who I was becoming. I had lost touch with myself while in relationship.

I love working with people on their struggles in life. What they may not know is that they are my struggles, too. I listen carefully, honoring the words they speak and not to put my own words and judgments about their issues into the conversation. I ask questions and listen – not like a therapist, which I am not – but rather as someone they can connect with who has been through turmoil in relationships and believes strongly in the importance of staying in relationships. We learn life’s lessons in relationship. Being a part of what others discover about themselves while in relationship is a service I embrace. I nudge them on the path to self discovery.

Here’s what I observed (in others and in myself). Disagreements occur between two people’s egos. The ego is the place where we think we know things. Both parties speaking from their ego express their desire to be seen as being “right” which cannot be true unless the other person is “wrong.” Our ego wants us to “look good” at all times. It wants us to be seen as separate and wonderful always looking for signs that we are indeed wonderful. Funny thing about all this is that when we are truly loved for who we are, we totally miss receiving that love because we, I mean our egos, are not looking for it. Instead, we are looking for prestige and other “feel good” stuff coming from others. We can only receive love well when we have it for ourselves. The ego is always searching elsewhere for what it wants and we can totally miss the presence of love. In working with couples, it is obvious when there is a break-through because the agitated party relaxes into the place of feeling and receiving love. The ego has left the room.

A simple example of how the ego gets in the way is when a wife might say, “I love how you take care of the garden.” Yet, you hear her say, “The garden needs tending right now and I won’t love you until you get it done!” We are in the future in our heads. We are elsewhere because our ego is trying to separate us from others. We miss what actually happened – love for who we are being – because our ego is not satisfied by comments from someone who may have criticized us in the past, holds the keys to our happiness and has not been forgiven for any past hurts. Unconsciously, we are just not there. We are frightened and cannot hear we are loved.

So what came up for me after listening and understanding people I’m working with, working with my therapist and coach and then entering into a new relationship that has been, from the outset, caring and equal. What I learned is this: I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! By that I mean, what resides with the ego, all the things that helped me get through childhood and my initial forays into the world, are false. All my beliefs, goals, expectations of myself and others, assumptions, fears, judgments, and thoughts from stories I tell myself do not serve me. The ego separates me from others, it protects me from my fears, it rationalizes every choice I make so they feel safe to me. Yet, as I follow my ego, my life narrows and hardens. I am no fun whatsoever to myself and others when I am trying to control everything with my ego. I am suffering in my ego-self.

So I don’t know anything, at least not in the places my ego touches. What I did find out is I have what seems to be unlimited wisdom in the feeling places. Some of the feeling places are connected to my ego through emotions and stories, but others are purely my real self – connected to everyone and everything. Some call it the God within or Buddha-self. Lets call it our Source as does Dr. Wayne Dyer. It has always been there.

Before observing myself carefully in life, I did not know that this place existed within me. I learned through experience that I am already perfect somewhere within me. I just need to wipe away all the other stuff so I can be the perfection that I am some of the time. Let me say right here and right now: This is a never-ending process, this “creeping down the stairs” from my ego-self to who I truly am is rewarding, but never complete. Something new pops up every day. Invite it in because it is a life lesson just waiting to be welcomed. This new thing is, as it turns out, connected to all sorts of interesting parts of me – some bogus and some true.

Completing a walk down the stairs with a difficult emotion is worth the effort. It is not important to understand it (that comes much later). It is only important to stay with it. Most of us stop “staying” out of fear (that ego thing again) and the desire to avoid pain. Yet I learned from coaching to gather my fears, my pain and my hurts and stay with them continuously until they actually morphed into something entirely different. Some things used to stay with me for weeks. Now that I’ve worked through several emotions, they stay around for a day or so. I don’t “know” anything about how this works or what lies ahead. Instead of “knowing”, I need to trust that wisdom is there within me already waiting to be let out in the open.

We carry every childhood fear and pain with us into adulthood until we allow them to be exposed for what they are. In the pain and the fear is the way out of them (this is really a magical thing to experience). It takes no effort. Just courage to stay there even though the ego wants to “fix” the pain, protect you from fear and to demean those who hurt you. It is as though you are in a room alone with fright and pain swirling around while the ego, with great effort, is seeking solace, help and answers. Suddenly when the ego pauses for a breath, a door opens and you step through it. What is through this door is beautiful, full of light and love. Physically, you morph from extreme tightness and pain into looseness and warmth. You know you are there by the sensation of freedom and the absence of any pain. You experience your inner wisdom by feeling free. There is no thinking that gets you there.

This is the working of the wisdom within that we all have. It is just very difficult to access for some people (especially narcissists). It is certainly difficult to access it for all of us all of the time. We go in and out of our egos and act from the ego quite often even though we are “enlightened” by having channeled into our inner wisdom previously. Did you ever get upset while standing in line at the grocery store or the DMV as if you were the most important person in the world and your time was so very valuable that how dare anyone slow you down? We’ve all been there. Yet through practice, we can experience more frequently the wisdom within. We can know what freedom really feels like. And we can be loving toward ourselves and others, at least, most of the time.

How does this all work? Take these 5 steps as a “daily” routine:

1. Look in the mirror each morning and say “I don’t know anything!” (I personally use stronger language so my ego really gets the message.)
2. Sit in stillness alone or with your partner and allow any and all thoughts to go through you without judging them. Just thank them for being there and let them pass through you. You’ll be amazed at all the “idle” thoughts that come through you including mundane things like shopping lists and emotionally charged things like anger at someone or something. When your mind quiets, extend loving thoughts to all those in your life and then to everyone everywhere so you end with a sensation of feeling connection to others. (You may repeat this several times during the day).
3. Always observe yourself as you go about your day. Exercising is a great time to make observations. Observe how often you feel you have to be “right” or “look good” when at work or with acquaintances and friends. Notice how often judgments about yourself and others pop into your head. Your observations of yourself and others bring into consciousness things that were not there before. Simply notice how much your ego is at work throughout your day. This takes practice and patience. It’s a fun thing to do with a partner. Share each of your own experiences with self-observation each day. Just notice what is happening with your partner and yourself. Do not judge or evaluate. Everything you notice is evocative. There is richness just in observation.
4. Find a time to “stay” with painful emotions (again, exercising is great for this).
5. Read affirmations (David Richo, Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Psalms, for example) and select some to focus on for a few days. Read them before going to sleep and imagine them being true in your life.

I do not have the discipline to do these five things every day. Life is about remembering and forgetting. Don’t add this list to the “shoulds” in your life. This is not the path to freedom. I might remember to look at this list and choose one thing. That is a good day for me.

As I said, I love working with individuals and couples on relationship issues. I created The Center for Marriage (http://www.thecenterformarriage.com/) to help people go from good to great in their relationships. There are courses and consulting sessions where I nudge them on the path toward self-discovery. Great marriages are found where people can be loving and have the sensation of being free and open in their lives and with their partners.