TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS

Growing up I can remember well times of tenderness. My mother gave me tender treatment when I was sick. I, too, find a place of tenderness when my children are suffering or ill. What I did not get then and am just learning now is treating everyone all the time with tenderness is what I am truly about.

I don’t do it regularly because I am caught up in my ego often. When my ego is in charge of my mind and body, I plow through life without regard of how I treat others and, most importantly, how I treat myself. When I am under my ego’s control, I am trying to get somewhere, to look good, to project my haughty self-image, to be “right” so I can win love. I ignore all the “softer” parts of me that exude tenderness and kindness.

Right now at this moment, I know for sure that if I were to tell you the truth it would be that the time I spend in my ego is wasted. When I come back toward whom I truly am, I am extremely happy, tender to others, kind and loving. The hardest part is to turn the tenderness inward toward myself. It takes practice to do this.

This is by far the most difficult period in my life. Actually, it probably isn’t, but that is what my “mind” (read ego) is telling me. All I think I have going for me is that I have survived before and will do so again. Really, what I have that I did not have before is conscious awakening to how my ego-mind works and some experience now with who I truly am without my ego involved. So the struggle is to give into the depressing ego or to be the peaceful, loving, kind and generous person that I really am.

Traversing back and forth between my ego and let me call it my “higher self” is difficult. The ego has a strong hold on me. Breaking away almost always feels incomplete as if the I am on a long leash, but still tethered.

Here’s what I know from my experience in relationship and I inject this into the work I do (see www.thecenterformarriage.com). My ego steps aside when others can tell me in a convincing way that I am loved just the way I am. It really works. I actually can take that love in and avoid a whole host of stories and messages my ego is sending my way ostensibly to win the love I want from another.

Yet, the trick in self-transformation is to love oneself sufficiently so that the love of another is not required for happiness. It’s just a bonus. I have worked with the idea of loving myself and it is evident that I am making progress. However, I also know that it is incomplete because I still respond to the love of others with awe and beauty. I need to be able to respond to myself with the same awe and beauty.

The answer has been around me all the time, but I just didn’t see it until now. I have seen pitched battles between couples turn into loving situations because at least one of the people involved touches their place of tenderness. Physically this feels to me like warmth coming from my heart spreading to the rest of my body. It is not something the mind can do by itself. It comes from a place of peace, a place absent of ego, a place of stillness and trust. When I am in this place I am no longer (unconsciously) treating myself poorly and elevating others. I am totally who I am at my core. I am spiritually connected to others as if they were myself.

It is often said that loving oneself well will help in relationship. My experience in the world is that this love must be connected to others through tenderness toward oneself. Tenderness releases my loving-kindness through myself to others. As a boy, I would imagine myself as one of three amigos riding on the whitest horse leading my band of followers into battle to do good deeds for others. My cowboy days are gone. I now see myself with others in tender connection where love is everywhere and kindness lights the way.